090: Rabbit Family Movie Night #1: The Beastmaster

Welcome to a new ongoing series at the SoraRabbit Hole! Some of my favorite posts on here have been a collaboration between me and my beautiful and funny wife, Cocoashade. So I decided we would keep the collaborations going. If you missed any of them, here are the previous offerings:

Those posts were so much fun that we decided to make it a regular thing. This is the first installment in what we’ve decided to call the Rabbit Family Movie Night. In here, we’re going to take turns choosing a movie to show each other. Preferably one the other has never seen, but that’s not a requirement. This time around it was Cocoashade’s pick, so she chose The Beastmaster.

Title card. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

The Beastmaster was released in 1982 and directed by Don Coscarelli. It was loosely based off a 1959 novel by Alice Norton, writing as Andre Norton.

Content Warning: While I mainly chose tame screenshots, please be aware that there is some depiction of cruelty to animals. (Simulated, we hope, but it WAS the 80s.) The movie itself contains violence, blood, nudity, sexual harassment/assault, cruelty to children, murder, weirdly hot witches, horrible bird calls, Daddy issues, possible incest, messy ferrets, and kickass sword fighting.

Cocoashade: “Okay, so what do you know about this movie?“

SoraRabbit: “Not much. I know he can talk to animals. Or control them? This was one I never got around to watching even though I remember they would show it on TV all the time when I was growing up. But there was always other stuff on, so I never sat down to watch it. I guess I was fated to wait until now to watch it!“

Cocoa: “I’m surprised you’ve never seen it. I would consider this to be a classic Gen X watch. Since you didn’t watch as much cable as me and my brother did, you probably missed out. We watched this over and over again. It used to come on Saturday afternoons after cartoons. I always thought it was funny that they’d have a ‘Beastmaster Marathon’ but there were only two movies then. I think there was a third movie and a TV show later. I recently learned it was based off of a book. It’s way different from the movie. The only thing in common is that the guy talks to animals. The book’s pretty good so far. I haven’t finished it yet, but it’s a whole series and it was written by a woman. But there’s an indigenous character and it’s a white lady writing about Native Americans in an earlier decade, so it’s a little questionable. In the book he comes from another planet.“

Sora: “And he’s not an alien in this?“

Cocoa: “No. I’m really interested to see what you think. I love fantasy. High fantasy, poor fantasy, crappy fantasy. It was my thing. This, Star Wars, Conan the Barbarian.“

Sora: *petting CeCe in between taking notes* “Does he have a kitty friend?“

Cocoa: “That’s for you to find out. So what are you expecting?“

Sora: “I dunno. I’ve heard people make fun of this movie, so I’m expecting it to amuse me. And I know you love it, so I’m sure it’ll be fun. Let’s see what it’s about!“

The MGM logo comes on.

Cocoa: “There’s a kitty!“

Sora: “Hooray!“

There were lots of critters all over the opening credits.

Sora: “So, those are all of his friends?“

Cocoa: “I’m not gonna ruin it for you.“

Sora: “Oh! So they’re his enemies!“

Cocoa: “I’m not gonna ruin it for you.“

Witches, I guess? (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Some robed guy enters a pyramid.

Sora: “It’s a ziggurat!“

Cocoa: “I love that word.“

Witches undulate around a cauldron showing a woman sleeping. The witches flash a lot of ass and legs.

Voyeur witches. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Sora: “Oh my. That’s creepy. And why are the witches hot?“

The witches are revealed to all have weird scarred pig faces.

Sora: “YAAAA!“

Cocoa: *laughing* “Oh, I forgot Rip Torn was the bad guy in this.“

Sora: “Rip looks mad to be in this movie.“

The king enters. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

A guy walks in surrounded by guys dressed in leather bikinis.

Sora: “That dude looks like he has indigestion.“

Cocoa: “That’s the king.“

Sora: “Oooh, fancy.“

Cocoa: “And his main guard is John Amos, from Good Times.“

Rip’s original nose? (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Rip talks about how he has to take a baby from his mother and kill it. He sounds very reasonable about the whole thing.

Sora: “Wow, he hates babies. And he has a prosthetic nose. Weird.“

Cocoa: “Does he? Oh yeah, he does. These witches remind me of the witches on Clash of the Titans. Except they have their asses hanging out.“

Sora: “And pig noses. Wait, we were talking. Why’d those guys hang themselves?“

Cocoa: “They’re cultists. And he’s in charge of the cult, I guess. And now they’re arresting him.“

Sora: “Arrested for his extreme views on babies?“

Cocoa: “Pretty much, yeah.“

She woke up with blue goo on her. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

A hissing robed witch creeps on the sleeping woman from before. She pours glowing blue stuff on her and her husband. They make a point to show the man’s snake tattoo.

Sora: “Maybe I missed something here. Why are they doing this?“

Cocoa: “The witches told Rip Torn that a baby would grow up to kill him. So he wants to take care of the baby first.“

Sora: “Ohhh, that’s why they were watching her sleep before. I thought that was just something they did.“

The cow is preggers now. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

There’s a cow there too. The witch does magic hands over the woman’s pregnant belly and the cow’s stomach expands.

Sora: “Um. Did she… move the baby into the cow?“

Cocoa: “Yep.“

The witch makes off with the cow and at a fire in the woods, she cuts the baby from it. Some guy sneaks up and watches her do this. She prepares to kill the baby.

Sora: “This seems like a few unnecessary steps. If they just had to kill the baby, why did she move the baby into the cow before cutting it out?“

Cocoa: *stares blankly at me*

Sora: “I’m just saying Rip Torn told them to cut the baby from the mother and kill it. He didn’t say anything about putting it in a cow first. Did the witch just decide to do that on her own?“

Cocoa: “Um… hold on. Give me a second. Maybe… by transferring the baby into the cow, the cow’s his mother now?“

Sora: *laughs* “Well yeah, but why? Maybe it was a fetish thing?“

Cocoa: “No, because I think it’s more than just killing the baby. It’s a ritual thing. Like there had to be an animal sacrifice too? I don’t know. Honestly, I never thought about it.“

Sora: “I think that witch just has some freaky pregnant cow fetish.“

Cocoa: “Hey, don’t kink shame!“

Sora: “I typically only kink shame if an animal has to die.“

Are witches allowed to be this glamorous? (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

The guy watches the witch brand the baby with a hot poker. She gets ready to kill the baby.

Sora: “He’s just going to stand there and watch this?“

The guy throws a sword at her and she collapses.

Sora: “Oh, okay. That’s better. Late, but better. He could’ve saved the cow.“

The witch’s robes are empty. She’s teleported to behind him and is wearing a bikini for some reason.

Sora: “Is she a Jedi?“

She flips his sword up. It falls and the guy picks it up and stabs her.

Cocoa: “What was the point of that move? She made it easier for him to kill her.“

Sora: “She can die happy. She did the cow baby transferal thing like she always wanted.“

He’s looking at a painting. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

The guy brings the baby to a settlement.

Sora: “Why is there a huge painting in the middle of the desert?“

Cocoa: “Ohh, pygmy goats! I’m not sure why they live in treehouses, though.“

Sora: “They want to be like the Ewoks.“

A minute later and the boy is like, ten or twelve. He and the guy spar in the woods.

Sora: “Now we’re really booking along. Is he a Beastmaster yet?“

Cocoa: “Beastmaster in training.“

A bear comes along and eats one of the villagers.

Sora: “Is he gonna sing a song?“ *laughs* “That’s a guy in a bear suit.“

Cocoa: “What? No! That’s a real bear. Isn’t it?“

Sora: “Maybe. He walks like a guy in a suit. Maybe two guys.“

The kid scares the bear away using his magical powers. His adoptive father tells him he has powers unlike any other. The scene shifts and suddenly he’s a grown up.

They grow up so fast. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Sora: “Luke?“

Cocoa: “Oh, he does look like Luke Skywalker. I always thought of him as a poor man’s Kevin Bacon.“

The traditional crouch of greeting. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

He climbs down from his tree house and fools around with the villagers before going to till the fields with his dog.

Sora: “Where does this take place? He has a German Shepherd.“

Cocoa: “I have no words. You sure ask a lot of questions.“

Sora: *pauses the movie* “Here another one. What’s his name? Mister Beastmaster?“

Cocoa: “I’m going to be honest. I don’t know anyone’s name. Except Zed. That’s Rip Torn’s character’s name.“

Sora: “What? He has a name? I’ve just been calling him Rip Torn in my notes.“

Cocoa: “What do you think so far?“

Sora: “It’s interesting. Do you think if I was a Beastmaster that CeCe would stop biting me?“

Cocoa: “Yes, because you would have power like no other.“

Sora: “CeCe, I’m a Beastmas—OWW!“

The baddest bad guys. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Bad guys come to town.

Cocoa: “Why’s it always batwing helmets? Or dragon wing?“

The guys ride horses into town and start attacking. The Beastmaster’s adoptive father has a sword.

Sora: “Where’d he get the sword? Wasn’t he just doing farm work?“

Cocoa: “That old man is ready for anything.“

Sora: “Yeah, he’s pretty badass. But I bet he has to die to start Beastmaster’s hero’s journey.“

Cocoa: “Titties!“

Sora: “There were titties? I was taking notes and missed them.“

Cocoa: “They were on fire.“

Sora: “So they were hot?“

Cocoa: *remains silent, having become immune to my puns*

Beastmaster fights back as his fellow villagers and adoptive father die.

Cocoa: “One thing I’ve always wondered. He’s a Beastmaster. Why doesn’t he control the horses, make them knock their riders off?“

Sora: “I didn’t think of that. Obviously he didn’t either.“

Cocoa: “Maybe he can’t control horses?“

I’m sure he’ll be fine. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Beastmaster gets a sword and is promptly knocked out. His dog saves him and then takes an arrow to the side.

Cocoa: “Poor doggy. Look, here come the cultists so I guess they’re working with the guys on horses? They brought badass Rip Torn with them.“

Sora: “Ah ah, badass Zed. I guess he got out of prison.“

Cocoa: “The faithful dog keeps pulling him even after getting shot.“

We cut to later and the Beastmaster wakes up seeing through the eyes of a bird. His dog is dead.

I am so sorry I included this screenshot. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Sora: “That’s a still picture of the dog.“

Cocoa: “They couldn’t train him to lie still. Haha look, now that they’re both in the shot, the dog’s ear is flickering.“

Sora: “You were right. Poor dog training. But wait, he can warg into birds?“

Cocoa: “No! Oh wait, maybe. What’s warging?“

Sora: “Like in Game of Thrones.“

Cocoa: “Oh yeah. I never thought of that. I don’t know if it’s actually warging. I think he can just see, not exist in the same space as the bird.“

I’m really really sorry. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

The Beastmaster carries the dog into town.

Sora: “I… I can’t tell if that’s a stuffed dog or if he’s drugged.“

Cocoa: “Oh my god. I hate to think they drugged the dog, but he is pretty floppy.“

Sora: “Are you regretting having me watch this yet?“

Cocoa: “Hey, did that narrator guy say his name is Gar?“

Sora: “Let’s rewind it and find out. I’d like to know his name. I’m tired of writing out ‘the Beastmaster‘ in my notes every time I refer to him.“

Cocoa: “You could call him B.M.“

Sora: *laughs and rewinds* “Yep, sounds like Gar.“

Cocoa: *looks it up on her phone* “Nope, Dar. Oops, and I was wrong. Rip Torn is Maax. Zed was his dad, the king.“

Sora: “What, wait, the king was Dar’s dad?“

Cocoa: “Yeah, you didn’t realize that? The queen was his mom.“

Sora: “Ohhh, I thought it was just some random couple in the kingdom. I totally missed that.“

Burning his shame. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Dar burns all the corpses of his fellow villagers and remembers his adoptive dad telling him to go to the valley to find his destiny. He meets up with the bird from before who leads the way.

Cocoa: “So it was because he was born to a cow that he can talk to animals, I guess.“

Sora: “Makes sense to me! How did his dad know his destiny was in the valley, though?“

Cocoa: “Maybe that’s where they keep destinies?“

Playing with his stick. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

He plays on a mountain top with a stick and makes bird noises at the bird who probably has a name but the narrator hasn’t bothered to tell us what it is. And then he plays with his adoptive dad’s sword, which I guess he brought with him.

Sora: “Does the birdy have a name?“

Cocoa: *looks it up* “Sharak.”

Aww, ferriets. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Some critters steal his bag and belt and run off with them. He chases them.

Sora: “He’s gonna make friends with weasels?“

Cocoa: “Sir, those are ferrets.“

80’s quicksand. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Dar almost immediately falls into quicksand.

Cocoa: “Because it was the 80s. Quicksand was everywhere in the 80s.“

Sora: “The silent killer. Wonder what happened to all the quicksand? No one falls in it anymore.“

He uses his B.M. powers to make the weasel ferrets bite through a branch so he can climb out. One falls in the quicksand and sinks.

Sora: “He can’t just let that ferret die can he?“

Dirty ferret. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

He rescues him and the poor critter is covered in muck.

Sora: “He’s all filthy now.“

Cocoa: “He looks miserable. Poor guy.“

Sora: “At least Dar thinks it’s hilarious.“

Filthy animal. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

The ferrets come along with him on his adventure. He names them Kodo and Podo.

Cocoa: “In the book they’re meerkats. But I remember ferrets were really big in the 80s.“

Sora: “My cousin had a couple of them. They were smelly and mean.“

Cocoa: “See them scurry into his pouch? Cute. Ferrets were the thing.“

Sora: “So is this going to be like the Wizard of Oz and he’s going to keep finding friends along the road?“

Cocoa: “Pretty much.“

Dar sees guards attacking something that turns out to be a wild cat.

Sora: “Kitty! I knew it!“

Cocoa: “Now I want you to tell me what kind of cat you think this is.“

There’s the kitty. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Sora: *without even thinking about it* “Looks like they spray painted a tiger.“

Cocoa: “Yeah, that’s my thought too. I’m pretty sure that’s what they did. They call it a panther though.“

Sora: “No way is that a panther. So will this be one of those films where the ending credits will say ‘no animals were harmed in the making of this movie‘ or will they stay suspiciously silent about it?“

Cocoa: “I actually don’t know. I think this was made before they were required to do that. Remember all those horses falling over in the village? We’ll watch the ending credits and both be surprised.“

Dar picks a fight with the bad guys and uses a fancy sharp boomerang to kill one.

Sora: “Where did he get that?“

Cocoa: “I dunno. It’s pretty cool though.“

Sora: “Didn’t Krull or whoever use one of those too?“

The bird takes out one of the bad guys, the ferrets steal their crossbow bolts, and the cat gets free and helps them fight.

Off for a nice jog. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Dar says that the bird is his eyes, the ferrets his cunning, and the cat his strength. He names it Ruh.

Cocoa: “Like Scooby? Ruh oh.“

Sora: “That fight scene was pretty cool.“

Using his powers for nefarious purposes. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Dar and friends come across two girls bathing in a lagoon. A blonde and a redhead.

Sora: “Is this the love interest?“

Cocoa: “Yeah, if you love titties. And Beastmaster loves titties.“

He sends the ferrets to steal her clothes and Ruh to scare her so he can cuddle up and “protect” her.

Sora: “So this is how he flirts?“

Cocoa: “Yeah. He uses his powers for bad.“

Sora: “That’s not cool. Dar’s not my hero anymore.“

Dar kisses her without consent and she throws him to the ground and straddles him.

Sora: “I think that just made him want her more.“

Cocoa: “Mmm hmm.“

He pins her and asks her name. She’s Kiri, an escaped slave. She shows him her whip wounds.

Cocoa: “That’s horrible makeup. They didn’t even try. They just dripped glue on her back.“

Dar tries to get her to come with him, but Kiri says she has to go back or her family will be put to death.

Cocoa: “So she’s a slave but she can just wander off and take a bath.“

Sora: “A free range slave? And where did that blonde woman go?“

Hey, another painting. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Dar decides to go after her and face the priests who enslaved her. He finds a temple and just marches right in.

Sora: “Security is pretty lax in this death camp, huh?“

He finds soup with a severed head in it and frees a kid who was in a giant bird cage. The kid runs off and is attacked by a monster.

A bird… er bat… um. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Sora: “What the hell? Is that a bat guy?“

Cocoa: “They’re, like, bird people.“

Sora: “But they have leathery translucent wings. Okay, whatever, bird people. So he should be able to talk to them, right?“

Sharak flies in.

Cocoa: “My friend is a bird.“

Sora: “That impressed them.“

They let him go and give him an amulet.

Sora: “I bet that will be important to his quest. But wait, that wasn’t where Kiri was?“

Cocoa: “Yeah, he got lost because he doesn’t have a tracking animal. Now look at this and tell me what you think.“

How many paintings are in his world? (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Dar stands over a village with a pyramid.

Sora: “Looks cool, but the perspective is odd.“

Cocoa: “Exactly! It looks like he’s standing next to a model pyramid!“

Sora: “This movie is all about the establishing shots of models and paintings. This is the third one so far. Also he just walks into every place with no problem. They never post guards.“

Time for the sacrifice. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Maax and his cult are on top of the pyramid sacrificing kids. Villagers are standing at the base of the pyramid watching, including Kiri. He holds a kid over his head near a fire.

Sora: “I see he still hates children.“

Cocoa: “I’m sorry, but that kid is not scared. He’s having fun.“

Sora: “So’s Rip.“

Cocoa: “Child sacrifice is fun for everyone!“

Sora: “Well, the whole town did come out to watch.“

Maax drops the kid in the fire and threatens everyone watching with sacrifice because their god, Ar, is not satisfied yet. They take another kid and Dar looks angry.

Sora: “Oh, this is where Dar draws the line? One child sacrifice is okay. Two and you’re going too far!“

Cocoa: “He saw Kiri and got distracted.“

Sora: “There’s that bird call again. Seriously? He’s going to use the bird to save the kid?“

Rip tosses the kid in the fire but he gets a hold of something and hangs there. Rip uses his stick to poke at the kid.

Cocoa: *laughs* “He’s stuck.“

Sora: *laughing too, making poking motions and talking in a growly voice* “Dammit. Get in there kid.“

Kid’s having an adventure. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Sharak swoops down to save the kid and it looks like a dummy.

Sora: *appreciatively* “That’s some fine dummy work right there.“

And as the kid is being flown to safety in the most realistic way possible in 1982, let’s pause so that Rip Torn can look at you suspiciously.

Rip disapproves. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

No one does it quite like him.

Adventure’s still going on. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

When Sharak and the kid are shown again, now the kid is a crude cartoon.

Cocoa: *laughs* “That’s so bad.“

Sora: “What’s the bird hanging onto? His scalp?“

God wants your kids. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Maax turns it all around, saying that Ar wants their children and this proves it.

Sora: “That’s a nice spin. He’s a politician at heart.“

Cocoa: “Or a cult leader. You know, I always thought Rip Torn was a serious actor but then I see him in something like this being all crazy bad-guy.“

Sora: “I’ve always thought of him as the kind of actor who takes roles he thinks are fun. He likes playing surly guys. I’m sure he had a blast doing this.“

Dar takes the kid back to his parents with a very creepy “I have something for you.“ The dad’s name is Sacco.

Sora: “Socko?“

Cocoa: *nods* “Sacco.“

Sacco is eternally grateful for him saving their kid. Dar asks about Kiri and Sacco explains about Maax having the king’s kid killed so that he could stay in power. The king is locked away somewhere. He rules over the kingdom of Aruk and also works with the Juns, the bad guys who torched Dar’s village. Maax is going to sacrifice the slaves, including Kiri.

Cocoa: “Now we’re getting the plot, an hour in.“

Sora: “Luckily Sacco is the Village Expositioner.“

Cocoa: “Yes. He’s the Chamber of Commerce of Aruk.“

Back to the voyeur cauldron. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Dar learns that the slaves were taken to the north and runs off that way. Maax tells his witches and bald cultists to go find the Master of Beasts and gives them a magic ring with an eyeball in it so he can watch through the cauldron. Once they find Dar, Maax sees the brand on his hand and figures out who he is. They try to hang him but Ruh saves him and chases the cultist, falling in a pit.

Sora: “They thought of everything.“

Before the cultist can kill the kitty he’s attacked by two newcomers.

He’s so happy! (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Sora: “It’s a jolly guy with a stick and a hobbit?“

Cocoa: “I wish, but no.“

Ruh escapes the pit of doom! (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

They help Dar lift a log so his cat can get out.

Sora: “He can’t just jump out of there?“

He makes friends with the pair, who are named Seth and Tal. They decide to travel together since they’re all heading to the temple. (Tal’s dad is there.) Dar explains his Beastmaster powers and how the animals are his friends. He also mentions that Podo and Kodo steal everything they find. Tal puts on the magic eyeball ring. Seth gets really mad about the necklace.

Sora: “That’s the necklace the bird people gave him?“

Cocoa: “No I think they took it from Kiri when he was flirting with her.“

Sora: “He has a lot of jewelry.“

Cocoa: “It’s loot!“

We find out that Kiri is Tal’s cousin and Dar explains she’s a slave. While his new friends sleep, Dar watches through Sharak’s eyes as he flies around and tracks the priests taking the slaves for sacrifice.

Cocoa: “I love the green screen work in this.“

Out for a day at the river. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

They take a boat to stage a rescue.

Sora: “Okay, so somehow they got a boat and now they’re in front of the priests? And Kiri is a pretty glamorous slave, isn’t she?“

Cocoa: “Well, she is the niece of the king.“

Sora: *thinks about this. Pauses the movie* “Wait, so she’s related to Dar?“

Cocoa: “Yes. I was wondering when you’d catch that. And Tal is his half brother.“

Sora: “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. But Kiri is Dar’s cousin.“

Cocoa: “Yeah. I mean, I never really thought about that when I was younger. But that’s what’s going on.“

This is how all my picnics end. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

There’s another cool fight and the priests are defeated. Dar pretends Ruh is dangerous to flirt with his cousin some more.

Sora: “I think she’s starting to catch on to that.“

The priests are tied up and loaded onto the boat as reinforcement arrive. They all escape and pretty quickly dump the priests overboard.

Sora: “Not sure why they bothered taking them prisoner just to drown them. Hey, where’s Ruh?“

Cocoa: “He’s around somewhere.“

This time he didn’t have to trick her into the kiss. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

They decide it’s time to save the king. To “convince” Dar to help, Kiri gives him a kiss. Even slips a little tongue in.

Sora: “I think this is her best acting in the whole movie.“

Cocoa: “She’s not acting.“

Seth and Tal look on in approval. A little too much approval, if you ask me.

Sora: “There’s a lot more cousin kissing in this than I expected.“

Cocoa: *chuckles*

You never split the party. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

In a desert area, they talk about splitting up.

Sora: “He’s going to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters, isn’t he?“

Cocoa: *glares at me*

Sora: “Wait, is Seth leaving?“

Cocoa: “He’ll be back. He’s going to get some guys.“

Sora: “Maybe he had to get to a different film shoot?“

Dar sends his bird to fetch Sacco, who complains the whole way about being a coward. But he did promise to help because his kid wasn’t sacrificed. He sneaks them to the pyramid in a wagon under some hay. As they get out of the wagon, Kiri flashes some gratuitous booty.

Cocoa: “That wasn’t necessary.“

Sora: “I don’t know why they’re hiding. No place ever has any guards.“

Okay, this is cute as hell. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Sora: “See, just like I thought. They walk right in with no resistance.”

Dar makes his way past the first trap… cells full of metal spike-studded, leather-clad monsters. (I couldn’t get a sceen shot, because it was too dark and they flail around too much.) After getting past them, they peek through a vent and see a Death Guard being made with magic. Dar sends his ferrets down the vent on a rope to get a key.

Sora: “That’s the spiky guys?”

Cocoa: “Yeah. Weird we haven’t seen them until now.“

Kiri wanders off. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Kiri sneaks off, opens a secret passage and slips in.

Sora: “She’s acting shady.“

Cocoa: “She’s having a side quest!“

Threatening. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

The priest in the chamber below drips glowing stuff onto the prisoner and puts a mask on him.

Sora: “They made a leather daddy!“

The ferrets get the key and seeing them enrages the Leather Daddy, who kills the priest and chases them.

Back from the sidequest. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Kiri returns with a new belt and knife.

Cocoa: “Side quest complete.“

Sora: “I really want to know what she was doing in there. And how’d she know about the secret passage. We’re never going to find out, are we?“

Dar looks at Kiri very confused.

Sora: “He spends so much of this movie looking bewildered.”

Witches on the ceiling now. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Kiri leads them further into the temple and they find the king. He’s all tied up and his eyes have been plucked out. They make a point to show his snake tattoo.

Cocoa: “See, that’s the tattoo Dar’s dad had when the witch took the baby.“

Sora: “Kind of weird for a king to have ink.“

Dar goes to find his ferrets and is almost ambushed, but Ruh saves him.

Sora: “That cat just keeps showing up at just the right moment. I don’t think he was in the wagon with them.“

Maax is there and Ruh almost eats him. He locks Ruh behind a door and sends a witch after Dar. She blinds him, but Dar uses Ruh’s sight to stab her while she’s crawling on the ceiling and Maax runs off. With the king freed, they go to take the secret back exit from the temple. Dar stays behind to find his ferrets.

Sora: “That’s admirable.“

He finds them and Kiri had stayed behind to help. The Death Guard is still chasing the ferrets.

Sora: “He really wants those ferrets, huh?“

This bird is helpful. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

After another of Dar’s silly birdcalls, Sharak descends to attack Leather Daddy. Dar and Kiri fall about 60 feet into the back of Sacco’s wagon.

Sora: “Okay, sure.“

Sacco saves the day! (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

The gate is closed and Dar sends his ferrets down the rope to chew through it. Now there are guards everywhere for a change. Kiri throws her hairpin at one. Sacco drives them to the gate but the Death Guard are gaining on them.

One of the ferrets is almost cut in half by a sword, but the other one jumps up and bites the guard in the crotch. The guard cuts the rope and the gate opens. As they drive through, Dar cuts another rope and the Death Guard are all crushed by the falling gate. The ferrets jump into the wagon as they race away.

A tearful family reunion. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

The king gives a rousing speech to the rebellion. (Seth did come back with a bunch of guys. But no power converters.) Dar warns them that they will be killed by the Juns if they try to retake the city. They need an army. The king asks who he is and Seth explains he’s the Beastmaster.

Cocoa: “We have a title!“

The king calls him a coward and a freak who talks to animals and pushes him away. Dar leaves with his animal friends, crying.

See? Tears. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Cocoa: “I don’t know why he’s crying.“

Sora: “I guess he’s never been called a freak by a king before. First time’s always the hardest.“

Kiri tells him she can’t go with him, she has to stay with her uncle. Dar is all alone with his animals and all his human friends are walking into a deathtrap. While the king explains his plan, Seth notices the eyeball on Tal’s ring. Maax knows all their plans. Seth pokes out the eye and the witch recoils in pain, holding her face.

Sora: “I guess that was her eye? That’s pretty wicked.“

Cocoa: “He only has one witch left.“

Sora: “And she’s down an eye.“

Upward into battle. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Sacco tells Dar that the attack failed and everyone’s been captured and is about to be sacrificed.

Cocoa: “That was fast.“

Sora: “Sacco, coming in with his expert exposition again!“

Cocoa: “Beastmaster, you’re our only hope!“

Dar gets a horse and races to save everyone as Maax prepares to sacrifice Kiri and then the King.

Sora: “Look, he has a horse!“

The ferrets free everyone as Dar fights his way up the pyramid.

Isn’t this the crouch of greeting? (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Seth rips off his ceremonial robe to reveal a studded leather bikini.

Sora: *laughs way too hard*

Cocoa: *chokes on her ice cream*

Sora: “Ohhh Seth was the guy with the king in the very beginning. I recognize the strappy outfit.“

Cocoa: “Just caught that, huh?“

Sora: “Hey look at Tal’s diaper. Everyone’s ready for battle.“

Cocoa: “Okay, that’s not right. That kid needs more clothes.“

Sora: “Yeah… That’s one thing I’m not going to get a screen shot of.“

Kiri fights back but is knocked out. The peasants cheer as Dar fights the cultists. Maax is just standing there watching for the most part. He then reveals to the king and Dar what their true relation is moments before slitting the king’s throat.

Sora: “Didn’t expect that. He held the knife over Kiri for five minutes but with the king he’s just… slash!”

Noooo, my favorite non-ferret character! (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Maax dives at Dar and somehow gets stabbed with his own knife.

Sora: “RIP Rip.”

Oh look, he’s okay. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

The last witch brings Maax back to life and turns into a dove when Dar stabs her. He’s as perplexed by this as he is by everything else. While Dar is distracted, Maax removes the knife from his own gut and creeps up behind him.

One of the ferrets leaps up and bites Maax on the neck. They both fall into the fire.

Sora: “What? Noooo!“

Dar tries to save the ferret but it’s too late. The other ferret is sad.

Down one ferret. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Sora: “Nooo! Why’s the movie doing this? How’d they make the ferret look so sad?“

A villager notices smoke on the horizon. The Juns are coming.

Sora: “Wait, I thought the movie was over.“

Cocoa: “Me too.“

Sora: *Checks the time* “There’s still 18 minutes left.“

Clutching Kiri and the surviving ferret, Dar declares that they will fight the Juns.

Sora: “Seriously. That whole thing with Maax felt like the end.“

Cocoa: “Did you see that? He wiped his nose with the ferret.“

Sora: “Do we know which ferret died?“

Cocoa: “We will at the end.”

Dar pulls out the bird amulet.

Sora: “Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Is he going to call the Birdmen to help him?“

Cocoa: “Uh, I don’t think so?“

FIRE HOT… wait, I already used that one. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

It’s now nighttime and the army is surrounding them. The horses fall in the tar moat surrounding the castle. Tal is shot with an arrow and Kiri pulls him to safety.

Sora: “The diaper gave him no protection.“

Cocoa: “Tal was no help.“

Dar and Seth fight the Juns. Kiri lights a guy on fire and Dar karate kicks him into the tar, which explodes.

Cocoa: “Does tar blow up?“

Sora: “This kind does.“

Horses fall and guys light on fire, baking in their armor.

Sora: “It’s three against an army.“

Cocoa: “Why isn’t anyone else helping?“

Sora: “Because they’re side characters.“

The second climactic battle. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

The bat-wing helmet commander guy appears and duels Dar. He has a huge sharp mace nunchuck thingy.

Sora: “That is a terrible weapon. I’m surprised he hasn’t taken his own head off with it.“

After an extended struggle, Dar knocks the guy into the fire.

Sora: “That was pretty cool.“

Oh, yeah… these guys. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Sharak returns with the Birdmen, who start eating the bad guys.

Sora: “Called it. Chekov’s amulet.“

Cocoa: “I forgot they showed up!“

The Juns who aren’t eaten are scared away and the battle is won.

Dar heads out. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Seth pulls the arrow out of Tal’s shoulder and he starts recovering. He says Tal won’t have the use of his left hand for awhile.

Cocoa: “He’s going to be all RIGHT!“

Seth tries to convince Dar to be king, since it’s his birthright. Dar says Tal will make a fine king and Seth will help him. They shake hands and part.

Sora: “A bro’s goodbye.“

Cocoa: “Dar has to go find more adventures.“

The boomerang from way earlier. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Dar left his boomerang for Tal.

Sora: “I thought he couldn’t use his left hand. He’s holding the boomerang with it.”

Cocoa: “Oh shit, he was!“

Sora: “You know this would be a whole lot more significant if they actually put in a backstory for the boomerang. Or showed it more than twice.“

Cocoa: “I’d be thrilled to get that thing.“

(No screenshot for Tal holding the boomerang because even though he’s king now, Tal is still only wearing a diaper.)

Finally at the end. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Dar gathers on a mountaintop with his critters and looks baffled. Kiri comes up behind him.

Cocoa: “Cousin.“

They kiss tenderly.

Cocoa: “Uh, maybe this movie wasn’t a good idea.“

Aww bebbies. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

The surviving ferret pops out of his bag and we see that it had babies.

Sora: “Aww cute!”

Cocoa: “So now you know who died. The male one.“

Sora: “And now we know what they were doing in that bag this whole time.“

More cousin kissing. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

They continue to kiss as the camera pans out and the credits roll.

Sora: “And of course they go out on more cousin kissing. You knew it was always going to end this way!“

In the credits we spot the words: “Made with cooperation of the American Humane Association.“

Sora: “Well, I’ll be damned. This was the biggest twist of the film.“

Cocoa: “Yeah, but nothing about no animals being harmed. They collaborated with them. It’s okay guys, we talked to them first.“

Sora: “They sat back by the craft table as the dog was drugged and the ferret was dipped in quicksand. Gave a thumbs up as they ate their sandwiches.“

Dar perplexed. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Cocoa: “So what did you think?“

Sora: “I liked it! Way more than I expected to. It was a fun movie. I liked how he incorporated the animal’s skills and cared about them rather than just using them as tools. They were his friends. He went back for the ferrets instead of just deciding to go find new ones.“

Cocoa: “I liked that about the animals too. Like how he saw through the bird’s eyes and the ‘panther‘. And I know you liked the fight scenes.“

Sora: “Yeah, they were awesome. Really choreographed well. I liked how they took the witches out slowly throughout the movie. And the ferret death was genuinely sad. They made it worse by showing the other ferret looking shocked. You actually got to like the animals. What did you think, rewatching it as an adult?“

Cocoa: “I still love it. You really caught a lot more of the details than I did. I was still stuck in the nostalgia.“

Sora: “Working on my blog I’ve learned to have a critical eye. I hope I wasn’t too snarky.“

Cocoa: “Not at all. You noticed a lot and I noticed more stuff this time too. Like how the only animal he can’t control is horses. And the villagers at the start all lived in treehouses. But yeah, watching it as an adult, there’s more exploitation than I realized. They showed a lot of ass.“

Sora: *counting on fingers* “Kiri’s ass, witch ass, Seth ass, Tal’s ass…“

Cocoa: “The scantily clad kid made me uncomfortable. Why did they do that? What little clothes they let Kiri wear got caught under the gate and got ripped up more. And the lagoon scene.“

Sora: “Yeah, who the hell was that blonde in that scene anyway? They just threw her in there to show more boobs and never showed her again or explained who she was.“

Cocoa: “That was the world we grew up in. “

This is probably fine. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Sora: “I didn’t like how he used his powers to flirt with Kiri. The 80s were a way different time with how it portrayed consent and romance. That used to be normal, but now it kinda makes me flinch.“

Cocoa: “Yeah, we’ve talked about this before, but that’s the kind of thing we didn’t notice back then. I don’t want to be the one who makes excuses for it but it’s true. Times were different.“

Sora: “Yeah, it’s like our old Revenge of the Nerds discussion. These kinds of movies and scenes just can’t happen anymore. Stealing a kiss used to be seen as romantic and now it’s identified as assault. Times change and in this case for the better. Lots of cousin lust in this movie. Her being the king’s niece served absolutely no narrative purpose. She could have been Tal’s nanny or something.“

Cocoa: “Yeah, that’s the kind of stuff you don’t think about when you’re a kid. You expect there to be a romantic interest and it doesn’t matter who she is. And all the stuff with the animals… the Humane Society wouldn’t let those things happen anymore.“

Sora: “Right, like the horses running with their riders on fire and falling in the tar. They wrecked so many horses in this movie. Spray painting a tiger, dipping a ferret in quicksand. And let’s not revisit the floppy dog.“

Cocoa: “Oh my god, that dog. He was so badly trained his ear flicked while he was supposed to be dead. So of course they drugged him after that.“

Sora: “Yeah he looked too real to be a dummy. It was kind of weird how after the final fight there was another final fight. It was like the movie had two climaxes. It was multi-climactic.“

Cocoa: “One thing I didn’t like is how they pieced everything together. There’s no mention of the Death Guard until near the end and the pieces of the plot they give you as you go. It’s confusing but I think I see why they did it that way. Like, as he’s progressing, we learn more of what’s going on.“

Sora: “We’re on the hero’s journey with him. Makes sense.”

Cocoa: “But at times they just dropped the plot on you.“

Sora: “Sacco the Exposition Guy.“

Cocoa: “Yeah. But like his dad says he’s an animal freak and then dies.“ *laughs* “That’s the most Gen X thing, rejected by your dad and so you go cry in the corner with your cat. But it was fun. What did you think of the length, the pacing?“

Sora: “That was fine. It raced along. The pacing was up and down, especially with that weird second ending. There didn’t really seem to be any padding, it all led to things. I did forget about Chekov’s Necklace, so that could have been integrated a bit better.“

Cocoa: “I think they may have cut out a few scenes though. I seem to remember the slaves fighting back against the priests on the boat part.“

Sora: “They didn’t cut out any of the cousin kissin’ though.“

Cocoa: “Yeah, because that was plot-related somehow. “

Sora: “I think there was a lot that wasn’t explained that’s sort of nagging at me. How did Kiri know so much about the temple, like the secret doors and where to find the good knife? Why did they march the slaves around just to bring them back to the temple? How did she get away in the first place and who was the blonde woman at the lagoon that didn’t have any lines and was never shown again? Did she seriously just escape to take a bath and then go back? And why did Dar keep making those bird calls? He didn’t have to do that.“

Cocoa: “Yeah… he didn’t make cat noises.“

Sora: “Or ferret noises.“

Now he has a sword. (Credit: Don Coscarelli, MGM)

Cocoa: “And we never learned why Maax wanted to kill children for his god. I still have to do more research and I’ll let you know what I find out from the book. Maybe some of this is in there. I do want to know why they picked this book and then changed so much.“

Sora: “They Hollywood-ized it. They wanted to make an action-fantasy movie like Conan.“

Cocoa: “Or Cave Dwellers.“

Sora: “Haha yeah, Ator rocked. Next time I’ll pick one you haven’t seen and we’ll see what you think.“

As I was wrapping up my notes, Cocoa looked stuff up and dropped a bombshell on me.

Cocoa: “Hey, you liked the Phantasm movies, right?“

Sora: “Love ‘em They were so good. Remember, I showed all of them to you when we started dating.“

Cocoa: “Same guy directed this. Don Coscarelli.“

Sora: “What?! I thought that name looked familiar. That’s awesome!“

Cocoa: “That also explains the boomerang. It was like the flying ball.“

Editing note: Days later it occurred to us that Kiri could possibly have been the niece of the king’s second wife. Dar’s mom (both the human and cow one) died that night, so for Tal to have been born, the king would have had to have remarried. So it’s possible. Still, the movie really isn’t concerned with explaining this stuff.

So that’s our Family Movie Night viewing of The Beastmaster! We had fun watching (and riffing) this movie for you all. You can bet we’ll be back relatively soon for the next one. I have a couple of ideas of what we might watch for the second installment. As always, if you have any suggestions, leave them in the comments or on social media. Suggestions are always welcome.

So until next time, appreciate your friends, watch out for quicksand, and CA-CAWWWW!