062: SoraRabbit Does a Christmas Special: Triple Feature 2022

Christmas posts have quickly become a tradition here at the SoraRabbit Hole, and some of them are counted among my very favorite posts that I’ve done. Every year I wrack my brain to come up with new fresh Christmas content for you. Long ago I stopped trying to outdo my previous posts… I can’t live up to my former glory. The Star Wars Holiday Special post and the Rapsittie Street Kids post are, in my opinion, two of the best works I have released. I have covered both ends of the spectrum with the sweet and amusing A Wish For Wings That Work and the dark, depressing horror of ALF’s Special Christmas. So what else could I possibly do?

It was a problem that plagued me for months as Halloween came and went, and I felt December barreling down the road at me. What would be a good subject to cover for this year’s Christmas Special? And then it came to me. The most obvious subject for my Christmas Special would be… Christmas Specials.

SANTA NORM! (Credit: Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions)

Well, technically these would be Christmas Episodes. In my research I learned that there’s actually a difference… a Christmas Special is something that is specifically dedicated to Christmas and appears as its own work. Christmas Episodes are generally a part of a series that airs around and is themed around Christmas-time.

Christmas Episodes are a tradition I, and many of you, grew up with. It’s unavoidable. Anyone who watched a lot of TV as a kid has been barraged with Christmas Episodes year after year. Some shows do it well. Others… well, let me just remind you of ALF being an asshole to his adoptive family, trying to steal presents from sick kids, befriending a dying child who is never mentioned again, and then pretending to be Santa to talk a suicidal man who is mourning his dead wife out of jumping off a bridge. Yeah… some shows do it spectacularly poorly.

So my concept for this year’s special is a simple one. I will find three Christmas Episodes. One that did it right, one that did okay, and one that botched it horribly. If this goes well, it may become a yearly thing, as I’ll never run out of Christmas Episodes to watch and make fun of. (Or celebrate as the case may be.)

Before we begin, trigger warnings, because it’s just that sort of festive holiday post. Today we will discuss cartoon violence, abortion, sexual acts, torture, mythological irreverence, negligent parents, orphans, commercialism, sitcom tropes, and the 80s. Also, if you’re one of those sweet innocent people who still believe in the jolly old fat guy, please stop reading now as I do not want to be responsible for your loss of faith in the magic of the holidays. It’s okay, Santa is real. I’ll see you next time, buddy.

So without further explanation or warnings, let’s jump right into it with a show that did the Christmas Episode right.

Yeah, we’re doing this. (Credit: South Park Studios)

Woodland Critter Christmas

South Park Season 8, Episode 14 (Original Airdate: December 15, 2004)

South Park has done several Christmas Episodes over their lifespan, and it’s pretty fitting that they would. One of the two pilot episodes, after all, was a battle between Santa Claus and Jesus. (The other one was Jesus versus Frosty the Snowman.) There were many episodes I could have chosen to review… the singing Christmas poo Mr Hanky… the episode where Santa is gunned down and Jesus brings Kenny back to life… but really, the best option was the first one that came to mind, the one that always stuck with me. The Woodland Critter Christmas!

Stan meets the Critters. (Credit: South Park Studios)

The episode starts with a pleasant narrator talking about how the town of South Park is getting ready for Christmas, rushing around and buying things because Christmas needs to be bought in a store. However, he says that things are different in the forest. Here we are introduced to the Woodland Critters: Squirrely the Squirrel, Rabbity the Rabbit, Beavery the Beaver, Beary the Bear, Porcupiney the Porcupine, Skunky the Skunk, Foxy the Fox, Deery the Deer, Woodpeckery the Woodpecker, Mousey the Mouse, Raccoony the Raccoon, and Chickadee-y the Chickadee. The cute and cheerful animals happily decorate their Christmas tree and then are approached by Stan— or as the narrator calls him, “the boy in the red poof-ball hat.”

Stan is bewildered by the collection of cheerful talking animals. They all talk excitedly to their confused new friend about how nice their tree is. But then they realize that they don’t have a star to put on top. They’re saddened by this development until they realize Stan can help. They all beg him to help at the same time until he agrees. He makes a crude paper star and puts it atop the tree.

Stan just wants to get out of there. (Credit: South Park Studios)

The Critters all invite Stan to sing and dance with them but Stan says no, he’s going to go home. He still doesn’t know what to make of the animals.

That night as Stan sleeps peacefully in his bed, he’s visited by the Critters in his room. He’s annoyed and tells them he has school tomorrow. They insist that there’s a miracle they need to tell him about— Porcupiney is pregnant. But she’s a virgin, which means it’s an immaculate conception and so she’s obviously going to give birth to their lord and savior! But there’s a problem (of course). They don’t have a manger for their savior to be born in.

Stan builds a manger. (Credit: South Park Studios)

Stan is then shown building them a manger in the forest. The show is not clear on if he’s doing it because they annoyed him into it or because the narrator said he was doing it.

Either way the Critters are happy until they hear a fearsome roar in the woods. It’s the mean ol’ mountain lion, who apparently eats their lord and savior every year before it can be born. But this year they have Stan!

Stan climbs up the nearby mountain, cursing and irritated. He tries to act threatening when the mountain lion approaches. She charges him, only to be Lion-Kinged off the cliff, falling splat to her death.

Three adorable lion cubs come out of the cave, sad and crying, asking the man-boy why he killed their mommy. Stan’s annoyance and guilt overcome him.

Meanwhile, back in the woods, the Critters fear Stan must be dead and so their savior is doomed. Stan arrives and they all rejoice that the mountain lion is dead. That means Christmas is saved! Hail Satan!

Aww, Rabbity was my favorite. (Credit: South Park Studios)

“Wha— what?” Stan asks. The Critters explain that with the mountain lion dead Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the antichrist. Stan is aghast and asks them what’s going on. He thought they meant the son of God. No, of course not— would God have sex with a porcupine? No, only Satan would do that.

To celebrate, they decide to sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh, which is something Rabbity is honestly thrilled to be a part of. They do this in a graphic scene and then have a blood orgy as a horrified Stan looks on.

Evilevilevil. (Credit: South Park Studios)

In Act 2, the Critters continue to get ready, the mountain lion cubs continue to mourn their mother, and Stan is in his room, wracked with guilt as the narrator rubs it in that it’s all his fault. The narrator announces that Stan has decided to go back to the forest to speak with the Critters, but Stan refuses and goes to watch the Jeffersons on TV. The narrator keeps insisting and finally Stan relents and goes back to the forest.

The Critters (except for Rabbity) greet him happily with yet another demand. Their lord Satan has decreed the Antichrist will need a human host body— someone who’s hedonistic and unbaptized. They figure Stan would be perfect. He angrily tells them he’s not a heathen and he was baptized. The poor Critters are disappointed. Maybe they won’t have a Critter Christmas after all.

Stan meets a Hellhound. (Credit: South Park Studios)

But not to worry! They’re certain Stanny will help them find an unbaptized heathen to serve as a host body. Stan refuses firmly. He’s done doing them favors and won’t let them give birth to the Antichrist. But Beary says that if he tries to stop them, they’ll have to use their Satanic powers on him. Their eyes glowing red, they summon fire, ravens, and a hellhound. Stan is mauled but gets away. Their powers grow stronger every day and the only thing that can stop them is a mountain lion.

The narrator reminds Stan that there are still three mountain lions alive on the mountain. Stan goes to see them and they’re afraid he’s there to kill them too. But it’s okay— they’re ready to die. They died inside when their mother was killed.

Stan assures them that he’s not there to hurt them and he was tricked by the Critters. They say they can’t help him, though. They’re just cubs. They still have their baby teeth and baby claws. And a dead mom. One of the cubs realizes the answer. They could give Porcupiney an abortion. The narrator announces that Stan picks up the cubs and takes them to the abortion clinic just outside of town. Stan refuses this over and over until he finds himself transported there due to the narrator’s insistences.

Ah, South Park. (Credit: South Park Studios)

The doctor at first tells them to get out until Stan explains they’re there to see how abortions are performed. (“I guess,“ he adds.) The doctor happily agrees and explains that since it’s almost Christmas he has lots of abortions to do. Next we’re treated to a montage of the cute cubs watching the doctor work as the Christmas Critters song plays. Stan just sits there, getting more aggravated.

The Critters come across Kyle, who’s sad because he’s Jewish and can’t celebrate Christmas. He explains his family doesn’t believe in Jesus and so he wasn’t baptized. The Critters take him off to the woods, cheering.

Heartwarming. (Credit: South Park Studios)

In Act 3 a red star glows in the sky. Stan and the cubs arrive but the Antichrist was already born to bring a thousand years of darkness to the forest. The boy in the red poof-ball hat was too late. He finds Kyle strapped to the sacrificial altar asking what’s going on. “It’s Woodland Critter Christmas dude, it sucks ass!“ Stan explains.

Now all that’s left is to put the Antichrist into their human host. Stan is pissed that this is how the story ends. Then Santa arrives.

Santa’s here! (Credit: South Park Studios)

The Critters are thrilled and want to eat his flesh. Santa is frankly pissed. He wants to know what’s going on and why there’s a red star glowing in the sky. The Critters explain that Stan helped them bring forth the Antichrist.

Santa is quite the marksman. (Credit: South Park Studios)

Santa is very disappointed in Stan and pulls out a shotgun, proceeding to blow the Critters away.

The traditional Christmas gunfight. (Credit: South Park Studios)

The Critter’s Satanic powers are no match for Santa and his shotgun. While he’s dispatching them, Stan sets Kyle free. Santa explains that they’ll be fine. The Antichrist won’t live long without a host body.

And now Kyle’s evil. (Credit: South Park Studios)

Kyle, however, has decided that he wants to have the Antichrist inside him. That way he can make the world a better place for the Jews and now they can celebrate Christmas. The Antichrist goes into Kyle and his eyes glow red.

In their fifth grade classroom, Kyle shouts at Cartman to stop reading his stupid story. It was obviously just a way for Cartman to rip on him for being Jewish at Christmas again. Since Kyle feels discriminated against, Mr. Garrison makes Cartman stop reading, but all the other kids want to know how the story ends. Especially Stan, who wants to know if he gets to have a Merry Christmas after all that his character went through. They all beg Kyle to let Cartman read the end of his story and he relents.

The cubs use their new skills. (Credit: South Park Studios)

Back in the story, Kyle doesn’t feel so good. His soul is on fire and he wants the creature out of him. Santa says he’ll have to kill Kyle to save the world. But Stan realizes that the lion cubs could help— they know how to do abortions and could get the Antichrist out of Kyle’s ass.

The little cubs skillfully extract the wriggling creature and Santa smashes it with a hammer. Santa asks Stan is there’s anything he wants for Christmas, and Stan can think of only one thing.

Holiday Magic. (Credit: South Park Studios)

Santa brings the mountain lion mom back to life with his Holiday Magic.

A happy Christmas. (Credit: South Park Studios)

The ordeal over, Stan goes home and eat Christmas dinner with his family, opens presents, and has the best Christmas ever. And they all lived happily ever after...except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later. ("Goddamn it, Cartman!") The End. Over the ending credits, the Christmas Critters song plays.

Lion splat. (Credit: South Park Studios)

Thoughts: This was an amazing, hilarious, satirical take on the traditional Christmas Episode. It subverts all expectations and continually ramps up the stakes and darkness. I love everything about this one. As South Park utilizes controversial material in a very graphic fashion, it’s of course not to everyone’s taste.

I have very fond memories of this episode. I watched it with my brothers the first time it initially aired. When the Antichrist/Satanist twist came we all sat there stunned for a moment before breaking into laughter at the same time. It’s a big credit to South Park’s brilliance that it after so many years it can still surprise its faithful viewers.

The traditional Christmas blood orgy. (Credit: South Park Studios)

Why it’s a good example of a Christmas Episode: The sentiment of Christmas and the harsh violence and gore make a great contrast. The Disney influence is seen throughout this episode, from the cute talking animals, the designs of said animals, the death of the mountain lion mom, the cheerful and catchy songs, and the magical, happy ending. This episode still makes me laugh to this day. Stan’s reactions, the narrator’s exaggerations, the plot twists. The end twist that it was all an elaborate setup for Cartman to again mock Kyle for his heritage was a great touch.

This was a clever episode that played with the time-honored traditions of the holiday special— mixing saccharine sweetness with South Park’s usual crude shock humor. The seemingly disparate elements work so well together. The unreliable narrator, the twist upon twist, and the merging of holiday sentiment with harsh coldness. It’s not just shock value or meaningless violence… it’s all rooted in Christmas. It’s summed up well with the kid’s reactions to Cartman’s story. While Kyle is aghast and offended, Stan just wants to know if it has a happy ending. This is at the heart of the episode, and it’s the heart that keeps it from going wrong even as it goes off the rails again and again.

And now that we’ve seen a good Christmas Episode, let’s turn our attention to one that was just okay.

I love this show so much. (Credit: Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions)

Christmas Cheers

Cheers Season 6, Episode 12 (Original Airdate: December 17, 1987)

Longtime readers of my blog may be shocked to see Cheers land in the “okay” slot. After all, you may be thinking, isn’t Cheers the greatest show of all time? Well, yes, of course it is. But that doesn’t automatically make this a good example of a Christmas Episode. Personally, I don’t feel like they ever did a bad episode in their entire run, but let’s keep our minds open and look at how this episode works as a tribute and celebration of Christmas.

Sam, Carla, and Norm. (Credit: Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions)

The cold open involves Carla complaining about how much they’re playing “It’s a Wonderful Life” on television. Everyone mocks it, but at the end when all the characters sing, everyone at the bar is tearing up.

When the show proper begins, Cliff comes in with a huge box. He announces that if he wins the post office’s canned food drive, he gets a trip to Disney World. His coworker Walt always wins, but this year he’s determined to beat him. Frasier quickly proves himself a Scrooge, disillusioned by the commercialism of the modern holiday.

Rebecca arrives at the bar, dressed up for the company Christmas party where she again struck out with her crush and boss, Evan Drake. (Played by the delightful Tom Skerritt, although he doesn’t appear in this episode.) Rebecca has made up the schedules and everyone is working on Christmas Eve, even her. Sam hates the idea and argues against it but he’s the only one. Carla wants the time and a half pay and the time away from her crazy family. Woody is not going to Indiana this year as he usually does because he’s “a big boy now” and also he is playing the King of the Flakes in a children’s theater play. The expected snide comments follow this admission.

Norm is busted. (Credit: Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions)

That night, Frasier’s grumpiness is growing. Sam hangs mistletoe and Rebecca dodges his advances. Woody has the review for his play— the kids loved it. He calls his mom to read the review and instantly starts crying because he misses his family. When a department store Santa comes into the bar, Carla makes fun of him but it turns out Norm was supposed to relieve him and he’s late. Norm admits that he took a job as a department store Santa and he kept it secret so his friends wouldn’t make fun of him. (Carla: “That’s what my kid meant when she said Santa smells like the place where Mommy works!“)

I love that Al is popular. (Credit: Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions)

Later, Woody is still on the phone with his mom. Sam is complaining that Al (a common barfly in the background) is still nursing his beer so they can’t go home yet. Sam suggests he, Carla, and Woody exchange presents so they can get out of there as soon as Al leaves. During this, Sam learns that they both bought presents for Rebecca and he didn’t think to do the same. When Woody reveals that she got them all presents too, Sam goes into panic mode.

Sam rushes out to shop for a present for Rebecca and Carla tries to scoot Al out the door. He says he can’t go, he’s waiting for his friends. They appear right on cue, a whole crowd of them, delaying their evening even longer.

Frasier Scrooge. (Credit: Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions)

Frasier and Lilith arrive and they have drastically different outlooks on the holiday. Frasier is still grumpy but Lilith loves Christmas and has presents for all of them. (Even though we learn in a later season that she’s Jewish.) Cliff comes in and lets them know he lost the drive to Walt by one dented can of spam. Carla reminds him that the food goes to needy people and that’s what should matter. Woody produces two cans that he forgot to put in the box and Cliff rushes off, thinking he could still win.

Sam meets an angel. (Credit: Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions)

Elsewhere, Sam desperately searches for a store that’s still open but everyone is closing to be with their families. He meets a woman named Tracy (who looks weirdly like Diane, who left the show at the end of the previous season) who has bags of gifts. Tracy asks Sam if he’s okay and he explains his problem. She offers him a present from her selection and he looks up, seeing her illuminated by the glow of the streetlights. He says she must be an angel and asks if she has wings under there. She nods and shows her pin— she’s a stewardess. (A flight attendant in today’s terms.)

They look through her presents and he wants to buy earmuffs from her. She says that’s too impersonal and shows him some lingerie she bought for herself. This, of course, gets Sam’s full attention.

Back at Cheers, Santa Norm is off work and ready to drink. He complains about the job and a whole herd of Santas come in. It’s a Santa School class reunion.

Wait, would Santas be in a herd? No, that doesn’t sound right. Oh, I know. A jolly. A Jolly of Santas come in. Yes, that sounds better.

Sam and Tracy come in, and she’s concerned a little kid will come in and see the Santas getting drunk. Sam says it’s unlikely since it’s a bar and it’s Christmas Eve. (Tracy: “What a time to find out!”) Sam lets Carla know that he found Rebecca a present (Carla: “And a little something for yourself, I see.”)

Sam and Rebecca. (Credit: Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions)

Lilith gives Sam his present and Sam says he left their gift back at home. Frasier continues to gripe, suspecting Sam didn’t actually buy them anything. Rebecca hands the gifts out to her employees— leftover corporate merch. Sam gives her his gift and it turns out Tracy got the boxes mixed up and this one has expensive diamond earrings. Rebecca is overwhelmed by the gesture and loves them. Carla and Woody are annoyed that his present overshadowed theirs and the gifts he got them were so cheap. Sam checks with Tracy. She says the earrings were supposed to be for her mother and they’re $500.

Rebecca tells him the gift is inappropriate and tries to give it back. Trying to play it up, Sam accidentally talks her into keeping the earrings. Rebecca has decided Sam is sweeter than she always thought and invites him over for a late supper. Sam thinks he’s finally going to get her into bed so he tells Tracy that he has to work and can’t come to her lingerie fashion show. He writes her the $500 check and Tracy decides to go to her mom’s house instead. She bonds with Woody over family holidays, bone-dry stuffing, manger scenes, and their favorite wisemen. (Melchior or Balthasar, the eternal debate.)

A Jolly of Santas. I’m gonna make this a thing. (Credit: Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions)

The Santas have all drunk their limit and are looking for a designated driver. Frasier bitches more, saying that the drunk Santas epitomize Christmas in the 80s. A Santa tells the rest that he hates to leave, but he’s got a busy night and a long haul ahead of him. His suit is a darker red than the rest and his beard looks real. None of the other Santas recognize him from class. Norm says, “You don’t suppose… “ and thinks he hears sleigh bells. Frasier stands up saying that there has to be some explanation. He stops, wondering if it could actually be… and then the Santa comes back in saying his wife is going to kill him. He left the lights on in the station wagon and asks the guys for a jump.

Frasier tells Lilith it was a miracle and she accuses him of being drunk. He tells her that he knows it was just some fat old guy with car trouble, but for one moment he actually believed in Christmas. That’s never happened to him. Overcome with holiday spirit, he rushes to the piano to lead everyone in Christmas carols.

Group shot. (Credit: Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions)

As they carouse, Carla complains to Sam about how he got soap for her and diamond earrings for Rebecca. He explains that she invited him over for an intimate supper. Carla reveals she invited everyone in the bar over and it cheers her up that Sam thought he was going to get lucky with Rebecca.

Woody turns on the TV and it’s the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life” again. They all gather round to watch it, no one complaining this time. Even Frasier is reveling in his newfound Christmas spirit. A news broadcast breaks in, announcing that they’ve had to close the airport due to the presence of a berserk man throwing cans of food at an airplane departing for Orlando. Woody says “God bless us, every one” and the credits roll.

Sam hangs the mistletoe. And doesn’t Rebecca look festive? (Credit: Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions)

Thoughts: I love Cheers and I loved this episode. It had its flaws, of course. As an episode it was standard. Joke-oriented, character driven, like all of Cheers. But this one had a thin veneer of Christmas over it. Frasier’s jaded anti-Christmas sentiments were a bit lazy and didn’t really go the distance in explaining his point of view. His portions felt like an afterthought, tacked on to pay off at the end. That subplot was amusing, but I feel it could have been elaborated upon more. The throwaway line of “I haven’t felt this way since… well, birth.“ did all the heavy lifting. If I’d written it, I would have added a line or two onto his first snide comments about how he’d never understood the holiday or he had bad family memories of Christmas or something. (His mom was a cold, clinical psychologist, so maybe she told him at a young age that Santa wasn’t real?) My point is that a little more build-up would have added to the end epiphany that the holidays have meaning.

The Cliff subplot just felt like padding and was an odd note to end the episode on. I did like the image of Norm as a reluctant store Santa and the revelation that Al is weirdly popular. The connection between Woody and Tracy also fizzled— it would have made sense for the two of them to hook up over their mutual love of Christmas, but that didn’t seem to happen. (Although he does have his arm around her as they’re all watching TV.) Cutting the Cliff scenes would have improved the episode, giving more time for the other plots to develop. A major problem with sitcoms is overstuffing them to meet the run-time… network schedules were a big hindrance to creativity that we’re thankfully getting away from in our age of streaming. I’ve always said TV shows should last as long as they need to in order to tell the story.

Frasier learns the true meaning of Life Day. I mean Christmas. (Credit: Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions)

Why it was just okay: The ties to Christmas, I feel, were perfunctory. The bar was decorated a bit, just subtle touches like a wreath on the door and a tree on the far wall, some garland hung around. Sure, the plot and much of the dialog centered around Christmas, but it didn’t seem completely vital to the episode. I feel like the A-Plot of Sam rushing to finding a gift and trying to leverage it into a chance for sex would have worked exactly the same had it been Rebecca’s birthday. And the angle of Sam trying to get out of work and Carla being annoyed about Al’s crowd of friends could have worked anywhere— another holiday, the weekend, anything. The B-Plot about Norm playing Santa and Frasier being a grump was certainly Christmas-centric, but didn’t take up the brunt of the episode. Not that any of this is bad… it just makes it less important that the episode took place on Christmas Eve. I feel like for a Christmas Episode to shine, it has to be vital that it’s Christmas.

That said, I did like this episode. I enjoyed the sight of Norm in a Santa suit, the way they bookended the episode with “It’s a Wonderful Life”, and the way they played with expectations with the “Real Santa” reveal. That’s what made this episode a memorable one.

And so now we’ve looked at the good and middling episodes. Now we turn our attention to one of the not so good ones.

Prepare for some serious 80s. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

Yes, Punky, There Is a Santa Claus

Punky Brewster Season 1, Episodes 12 & 13 (Original Airdate: December 16, 1984)

Punky Brewster was a short-lived sitcom from the 80s that featured a precocious little girl being raised by an elderly foster father and getting into wacky adventures. I remember watching this show a lot as a kid, but I really had few clear memories of it besides the fact that Punky was a bit rambunctious and wore bright clothes. I remember liking it. I also remember the character getting a Saturday Morning Cartoon where she had a leprechaun or alien or some shit. That was weird. Punky Brewster was one of the long list of shows that I would watch if it was on, but wouldn’t care if I missed an episode or two.

In the course of Punky Brewster, there were three Christmas episodes. The two episodes I’m looking at today were aired on the same night, and when I bought the episodes, they were packaged as one 49-minute episode. But the two segments had different production codes, so it’s technically a two-parter.

Shout out to Cocoashade for suggesting this one as we brainstormed ideas for what show I should watch for the number three slot. (She was half watching as she worked on a knitting project and dropped some amusing commentary throughout.) I was honestly excited to revisit this show, and even more excited by the thought that it might be terrible. (I know, I’m weird. I blame the Rapsittie Kids Believe in Santa. It broke me.)

Yup. This could only be the 80s. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

The show opens with a weirdly 70s theme song explaining the entire concept of the show. It’s an exceedingly jaunty tune about a homeless little girl and her dog breaking and entering and confronting a grumpy old man before melting his heart with their cuteness and vulnerability. They really don’t make show opens like that anymore. Which can be a good or bad thing, depending on your point of view. Personally I found it silly and awesome.

Yeah, this blows alright. What have I gotten myself into? (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

After that mess, Punky is in class with the other kids. Her and her friends are putting on a play. It’s some junk about sad raindrops and how the wind blows on them and they become happy snowflakes.

The teacher says she’s been trying to get Santa to visit the class but he’s been too busy to answer her telegrams. (For the young readers in my audience a telegram is an old form of communication, somewhere between the pony express and faxes.) The kids are disappointed, but the teacher suggests they think of something special to share with their parents.

Punky, instead of being triggered by the mention of parents and thinking about how her dad is (I don’t know dead probably?) gone and her mom abandoned her in a department store— no really, that’s her origin story. She was a supremely unwanted kid. Instead of reliving her trauma, Punky gets a devious look on her face and the show does one of those weird dissolves directors used to be so fond of.

Yeesh. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

We get a lengthy montage of Punky, her foster dad Henry, and her dog Brandon having a weird, vaguely Christmassy photo shoot to make their Christmas cards. It goes on way too long and is shot very strangely.

Henry’s personality is established pretty efficiently in the following scene as we learn that he’s only sending out two Christmas cards and when Punky convinces him to send them to everyone in the building he agrees, but wants to send rent reminders with them. Henry is a photographer as well as the manager of the apartment building. He’s also grouchy, doesn’t like people, but adores his foster daughter. As Brandon licks an envelope for Punky, Henry explains that he’s not used to having Christmas spirit. He’s usually alone this time of year. (He’s a widower also.) But he’s glad she’s there so they can have the best Christmas ever.

As they have teatime (I guess?) he reminisces about Christmases when he was her age. And of course the conversation turns to Santa. Punky is excited and jumps around, wishing it was already Christmas. This scene firmly establishes that she believes in Santa. She asks if they can have cranberry pudding (which I looked up and is apparently a real thing?). Her mom used to make it every Christmas because it’s “yummaroo”. And now we know that this is the kind of show where people say things like “yummaroo” and please don’t stop reading because of this fact. Henry says of course they can have it if she can find the recipe. This makes her abruptly sad because she suddenly remembers her mom is gone and never coming back. Sad music plays and she takes a few steps away and it just reminded me of the old Incredible Hulk show. Did Hulk do a Christmas Episode? Can we watch that instead?

Punky misses her mom and hopes wherever she is that she’s okay. Henry says that he’s sure she’s okay and misses Punky too. (Sure she does… you usually miss the people you ditch in a store, right?) He tries to cheer her up and soon her mood swing goes back the other way.

The treachery of Billy Balootzis. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

Back at school the kids try their damnedest to be cute and for the most part fail. Punky is the only one who knows how to deliver her lines. An older kid mocks the others for their belief in Santa Claus. He doesn’t exist, the jerky kid insists. He brings up valid points like you never see reindeer taking off at the airport, most of them don’t have chimneys, and Santa doesn’t have the money to payroll his elves. The kids try to maintain their belief, but he leaves them sad and awash in doubt.

A wild Eddie Deezen attacks. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

Later, Henry is wandering around the hall of his apartment building and his superintendent Eddie (played by the ever weird Eddie Deezen) comes by to be wacky for a bit saying something about how he was in the furnace and boy was it hot in there. He then asks for a Christmas gift. It was a pointless and useless scene that does nothing to advance the plot and is never followed up on or referenced again. (Padding, just like I mentioned earlier.) The creepy part about this is that Henry says his Christmas gift will be to let Eddie live and this actually ends up being the final episode Eddie is featured in, making me come up with my own head canon that in between episodes Henry finally had enough of Eddie’s wackiness and put him back in the furnace. This time for good.

You can’t convince me otherwise. It just fits too well with what I know about this show. (Which, admittedly, is not much.)

Anyway, Punky returns looking all sad again. (Jesus, orphans, am I right? Always sad about some damn thing or other.) She announces that school was lousy and she learned that there’s no Santa Claus. Henry asks what she means. Billy Bahootzis (?) told her all the flaws in the Santa thing. Reindeer can’t fly, Santa can’t fit down chimneys, and elves need to get minimum wage. Henry gives her a heartwarming speech about how Santa is real but only to those who believe in him and his magic. Punky says she’ll think about it, but she’s having a hard time believing.

Mrs. Johnson comes by and thanks Henry for his Christmas card and pays the rent. (Which means he did put the reminders in with the cards. Wakka wakka.) She brings along her granddaughter, who is Punky’s best friend Cherie. Cherie was also exposed to the lies of Billy Baloofus and is also inconsolably sad.

When they go to Punky’s room, the adults conspire to get the kid’s faith in Santa back. She insists that he should play Santa at the school— the teacher is having trouble finding someone to play Santa. Henry’s only suggestion is a guy who lives in the building, but Mrs. Johnson points out they wouldn’t be able to sober him up in time. (Ah, the 80s, when jokes about the horrors of alcoholism were the height of hilarity.) They toss some insults around— he’s old enough to play Santa, and she could be the bag he carries presents in. (“Damn Henry!” Cocoa cried from somewhere behind me.) She points out that the kids will only believe in Santa if they can see him. She makes him practice his ho ho hos and tries to sit on his lap. Then she runs off to sew him a Santa costume entirely from scratch and I’m assuming she gets that done overnight.

An attempt was made to be cute. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

At school everyone opens presents. Margot is a vain, screechy blonde girl who gives Punky a poster of herself. The weird blonde kid Allen gives Cherie his grandmother’s teeth because she just got new ones. She gives him a rubber spider and he’s so happy he kisses her. They both look shocked and the live studio audience goes wild. It’s clearly supposed to be cute but it’s really, really not.

Santa Henry. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

Santa Henry arrives and the kids are happy, all except Punky and friends, the victims of the evil machinations of Billy Vahoombis. He tries to convince them all that he’s the real Santa because of all the personal information he has on them like their full names, family members, and where they live. I know it’s supposed to prove that they’re all on Santa’s list and he’s magic, but it comes across as incredibly stalkerish. But the kids are convinced. Punky finally has her belief in Santa back and she’ll never listen to Billy Behoovass ever again. Santa Henry lets them all know that Billy Vahummis isn’t getting any presents. You see, when someone doesn’t believe in him, Santa has to get a little rough. (I’m getting a vivid image of Santa breaking a loudmouthed ten year-old’s kneecaps.) No one questions why Santa looks and sounds exactly like Henry, not even Punky, who lives with him and supposedly loves him. Man, kids are dumb. Especially sitcom kids.

Seriously, kids are so dumb. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

Allen sits on Santa’s lap and lists out what he wants and we see the clock’s hands move in a time lapse so that it’s an hour and ten minutes later and the teacher tells him that he’s gone on long enough. Allen says that he’s not finished yet. You may be too young to appreciate the finer points of 80s comedy, so allow me to explain. See, the joke here is that he’s been talking for a ridiculous and exaggerated amount of time and after that specific amount of time has passed, the teacher finally intervenes. But clearly Allen could go on for much, much longer! It’s funny because the sitcom writers say it’s funny and trigger the laugh track there. Get it? Comedy!

Anyway, Punky is next and she says there’s only one thing she wants. Of course Santa Henry, not seeing that this is the twist that will drive the remainder of the plot, promises that no matter what it is, he’ll make sure she gets it. She says— and no one could possibly predict where this is going— she wants him to bring back her mom. He looks back at her, stunned, and they hold this pose for an uncomfortable length of time as it goes to a commercial break.

Henry is tortured. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

In Henry’s studio, Mrs. Johnson is helping him out of his Santa costume and pulling his beard off one clump at a time. Henry doesn’t know what to do. She says that he should have just told Punky he couldn’t do that, that there are limits to Santa’s power. Or that she should have put in her order sooner and that moms take 6-8 weeks for delivery. (Okay, that last one got a genuine laugh out of me. I know, I'm as surprised as you are!) Henry won’t have it. He’s determined to find her mother because he told her Santa could do anything as long as she believes.

Punky performs. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

Next Mrs. Johnson (I keep calling her that because that’s all she was called in the episode. Apparently her first name is Betty?) helps Punky and Cherie have a Christmas decorating montage. Like everything else in this show they ham it up so much and it goes on for way too long. Henry comes home and she proudly shows him the tree. (There’s this running thing where he keeps putting things on the dog— a wreath, his hat— I have no idea if that’s a constant thing with this show or just with this episode. I have no idea what that’s all about.)

Punky tells him that she met Santa and it was great. She wishes he could have been there. He was really real and he said he’d bring her mom for Christmas. Henry says that’s a tall order. Punky agrees that she knows it’s a toughie, but if Santa couldn’t do it, he would’ve said so. This makes Henry feel worse— Mrs. Johnson was right. If he’d just said he couldn’t, she would’ve been okay with it. And now he’s missed his only out for the situation. Punky says she knows he’ll bring her mom because she really believes in him just like Henry told her to.

In the kitchen Henry tells Mrs. Johnson that he’s gone to the police, the hospital, the FBI. Which I guess he managed to do in just a few hours since Punky mentioned she’d met Santa earlier that day. Apparently they were all already looking for her, because he says “they’re no closer to finding her than they were before”. So does this mean there’s a national manhunt going on behind the scenes for Punky’s mom? (Why is no one able to find her? I feel like there’s more to this story.) Henry says he can’t let her down because he wants her to have dreams and now that she’s his child he wants to do everything for her. But now he’s realized that if he does somehow find her mom, he could lose her. It’s a genuine conflict and stakes, but they don’t linger on it. The group lights up the tree and all sing at it and it’s so bad that they overlaid actual Christmas music over it to drown them out almost immediately.

The camera pans around the room and everyone’s listening to music and playing. Henry is in the kitchen calling the missing person’s department and leaving a message. The show really lags around this part, losing its momentum as it struggles to pad the runtime. Punky shows that she has a huge wrapped present for her mom and says it’s earrings. (That was actually kind of funny too, the kid logic that a present has to be big to be good regardless of the actual size of the present. And they left the gag subtle without explaining it to the audience. See, this is the good kind of sitcom humor, where they trust the viewer to fill in the blanks. ALF almost never did that and always explained its jokes.) Punky talks on and on about what will happen when Santa brings her mom. She sings a song that they used to sing together (back before she was abandoned) and it’s horrible and she dances spastically. It’s painful, but like all bad things it ultimately comes to an end.

Henry gets a call from the police who said a woman suffering from exposure was just admitted to the hospital and that she matches the description of Punky’s mom. He rushes off to see if it’s her and there’s several scenes of stock footage of Winter tacked on between scenes. They were so shitty and out of place, none of them matching the rest of the episode’s picture quality.

You don’t think… he couldn’t be… could he? (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

Walking down the street, Henry stops at an antique store to warm up and meets a nice old guy who offers him tea. He’s still open because Christmas Eve is his busiest night of all. Henry opens up to the guy, telling the whole story about Punky not believing in Santa. The guy reacts to every part of it. He’s horrified that her belief was shaken and amused that Henry dressed as Santa. He also echoes the sentiment that Henry should have just said Santa can’t do everything. It’s hard enough taking toys to children without having to find missing moms. He should’ve gone to the FBI. Henry says he tried that and we find out the woman at the hospital was just a prostitute. (The show, of course, doesn’t come right out and say that but when he asked if she was Punky’s mom the woman said for twenty bucks she’d be whoever he wanted. Yow.)

The old man says that Henry tried everything he could, and you never know. Santa could still bring her mother after all. Henry is weirded out and politely excuses himself. The old man says that Henry’s problem is that he convinced Punky but not himself. Henry says he’ll believe it when he sees it. The old guy says that where he comes from, believing is seeing. Which, I’m sorry, but that doesn’t mean a damned thing. You can’t just turn around the order of words and expect it to be wisdom, Punky Brewster. And does anyone watching this (or reading it for that matter) not think the old guy is supposed to be Santa? They’re being so obvious here and they must have thought putting him in flannel without a beard was them being subtle.

Before Henry leaves, the old guy tries to give him a jewelry box for Punky. It’s hardly a mom, but all little girls love jewelry, he says. He insists that he’d like for her to have it on the house. It’s one of a kind. Henry politely refuses and they wish each other a Merry Christmas. But it’s strange, all the years living in this neighborhood, Henry says he’s never noticed an antique shop here before. “I guess you’ve never needed one before,“ the old man says.

The 80s will never die. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

Back at the apartment, it’s dark and it fades into morning. Punky wakes up to find the stockings packed and presents under the tree. She excitedly wakes Henry and drags him into the living room. She’s thrilled that Santa brought all the loot but she races around from room to room, looking for her mom. She’s not there. Henry says that Santa must not have been able to find her. Punky doesn’t understand. She reminds him that he told her she just needed to believe and she believed with all her heart.

Shrugging this off, she gives Henry his handmade present which is supposedly a pipe. She opens one of hers and it’s a pair of sneaker skates. (“They’re smasharoo!“ she declares.) She then finds a present that Henry doesn’t recognize that says it’s from Santa. It’s the jewelry box from the previous night, but it’s not just any jewelry box. It’s her mom’s. The initials on it are S.B. (Susan Brewster) and it plays the song Punky subjected everyone to a couple of scenes ago. Henry is stunned. Punky also realizes that the present with her mother’s earrings in it is gone. She deduces that her mom must not have been able to make it, so she gave Santa the jewelry box and he delivered the earrings to her. Henry looks right at the fucking camera and says “How did he know my name was Henry?“

Present time! (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

The Johnsons come to the door and grandma is wearing the gaudy “square dancing skirt” that Cherie mentioned having gotten her earlier in the episode. (I thought that was a nice touch of continuity and it was another subtle detail they didn’t bring attention to. Since a well-meaning little girl picked it out, it didn’t fit with her grandma’s style, but she’s happily wearing it to make her granddaughter happy.) Henry calls about the antique shop, which we now learned was called “Nick’s Nook”. Of course the shop is not there and never has been. Punky plays them the song from the jewelry box and Henry mutters, “Thanks Santa”. They all sit down to open presents and the ending credits roll.

The jewelry box. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

Thoughts: Wow, what was that? Like I said, I didn’t have many memories of the show, but this was way different from what I was expecting. It was so… weird. It had a strange feel to it that was a bit unique. It was corny, with lame jokes and hackneyed plotting. But there was some real talent in some of the actors. (Not the majority of the kids. Oh no.) Henry and Punky were excellent and their relationship was cute. Mrs. Johnson was fine too. Eddie Deezel was… Eddie Deezle. But seriously, Soliel Moon Frye was an exceptionally good kid actor. She was leagues above the other kids. I was impressed. She did her best with the lines she was given. The other kids were always mugging at the camera, waiting for the applause. It was awkward. The whole show felt like it was carefully crafted to be cute but it kept missing the mark and falling into awkward moments.

Punky Brewster was an odd show… Cocoa and I discussed it for awhile after watching it. As I watched it, I assumed the show was aimed at older people, what with the pointed cuteness of the kids and the heartwarming aspects. But the immaturity and silliness of the show made me think it was focused more towards kids. It’s a baffling combination that makes the show feel out of place with itself, if that makes sense. Like it doesn’t mesh with its own premise. From what I can see in my research, the show was very popular with 2-11 year olds, but the second season actually jumped into more mature topics like drug abuse, health issues, fire, problems with the foster care system, and more. Most notably (and this is one I remember pretty well) is an episode where Punky is traumatized by the Challenger disaster. She watched the shuttle explode and had to face mortality and the loss of a hero. In a kid’s sitcom. Yikes.

Right at the godamned camera. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

Why it wasn’t so good: This was one of those sappy Christmas Episodes I remember were everywhere when I was a kid. Clumsy and carefully crafted at the same time, intended to tug at the heartstrings and get everyone in the spirit of the season. The story was old even back when this first aired. Henry’s heart was in the right place, but I think it’s terrible for him to feed the delusions of a poor orphan girl. Sure it could give her some peace to believe her deadbeat mom’s okay, but doesn’t it just set her up for more disappointment and heartbreak when her mom continues to not return?

As a story, it was uneven and padded. The bit with Eddie Deezen was odd, and the cranberry pudding thing never came back. I refuse to believe Punky is dumb enough or inobservant enough to not notice that “Santa” was Henry while she sat on his lap. Their faces were inches apart and she’d been living with him for months at this point. (Long enough for her dog to grow up— Brandon was a puppy in the opening credits.) The appearance of the “Real Santa” trope broke the episode wide open… I know they were going for “magic is real and kids know it but adults have forgotten” but it didn’t quite land right. Old Man Nick offering the jewelry box as a kind of afterthought as Henry walked out the door made it seem like it wasn’t the old man’s intention all along. Henry didn’t really give a reason to decline the free gift and the identity of Santa was not really hidden by the lack of the costume or beard. Like everything else in the show, they weren’t able to stick the landing with the main premise. And that’s what makes it fall flat as a Christmas Episode.

The show wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected it to be, but maybe that’s nostalgia. It was the usual inoffensive, sugar-coated sitcom fare of the 80s— attempts at humor interspersed with attempts to be touching. It was all familiarity and soothing sweetness. It’s not the kind of show that could exist nowadays, so it’s certainly a product of its time and the culture of America in the flashy, brightly colored, and showy 80s. The visuals were cheesy and cheap. They clearly had a rock-bottom budget, but there were things they did right. The little subtle touches I mentioned above stood out to me and were unexpected treasures. Punky was honestly an adorable kid and the best child actor in this show and several others I’ve seen.

Of course, as always, I mean no offense to anyone who loves Punky Brewster or has fond memories of it. I do too, but looking at it critically, especially when stacked against the previous two Christmas Episodes I chose, this one just doesn’t make it. It was clumsy, it was obvious, it was hacky, it was bizarre. But I can’t say it was completely awful. I got some entertainment out of it, if for nothing else than by poking fun at it and reminiscing over the long lost 80s. (I am a child of that deeply flawed and gaudy era and I am not ashamed of this fact.) It was campy, Punky was a cute kid, and the weird style kept me off guard and has stuck with me long after my two screenings of the episode. I have zero urge to buy and watch the rest of the series, but I don’t regret watching this episode.

Santa is very disappointed. (Credit: South Park Studios)

So that’s the three Christmas Episodes I chose to review this year. I liked them all in their own ways and I feel like I chose three very good, very different examples of the genre. Like I said, these things were everywhere back then. I don’t watch much modern TV (like many I have taken the jump from cable to streaming) and so I’m not sure what the genre has evolved into in recent years. I’m honestly a little curious, so maybe that could be the subject of a future Christmas Special.

Just some fat old guy with car trouble. (Credit: Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions)

When I was growing up, these holiday episodes were cookie cutter, carefully manufactured, and steeped in cliché. But some shows put their own spin on things. South Park, for example, while a much more modern one, was able to do their own twisted take simply because of the episodes that came before it. (The other shows flopped so South Park could flail. Hehe.) Cheers was able to play with the “Santa is Real” trope because it was already a trope by that time.

Which brings us to an important point that drove this entire post in its conception. A point that I will be calling “The Santa Problem”.

So awkward. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

The Santa Problem: In their never-ending struggle to create the perfect Christmas Episode, some sitcom producers fall into a terrible trap… they decide to hint— or outright reveal— that Santa Claus is Real After All. Throwing a mythical figure into a show that is rooted in reality breaks the immersion and poses a lot of interesting questions that the show stubbornly refuses to answer. None of the characters react wildly to the revelation that Santa exists… and by extension, so does magic. It doesn’t break anyone’s brain… doesn’t cause a crisis of faith… doesn’t shift their world-view. In fact, it’s never mentioned again. It’s not realistic for characters to react with mild shock and then just get over it by the end of the commercial break.

If Santa exists in a world with Punky Brewster or Full House, what about the Easter Bunny? Are there also other forms of magic that exist alongside Holiday Magic? What about ghosts? Bigfoot? Aliens? Where does it end? If a normal human in our world had a spiritual event and learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that Santa Claus is real they wouldn’t be filled with momentary wonder and then go on to next week’s adventure. They would either be reevaluating their entire perception of reality or locked in a padded room. Shit, if most of us had something like this happen in our lives, we would be changed forever and some of us probably wouldn’t make it out the other side intact.

Some good examples of this trope are Full House, Home Improvement, Gilligan’s Island, Night Court, and many others. I wouldn’t mind exploring this further in a future post, as I find this concept fascinating. I love that a show normally rooted in reality could be broken so quickly and easily by the introduction of one element that couldn’t possibly fit into their world. And it’s done so thoughtlessly and carelessly in their rush to cash in on the sentiment of the season.

For all of its faults, ALF’s Special Christmas didn’t go there. Sure, Mr. Foley had his own moment where he was faced with a terrifying space alien posing as Santa, which is ridiculous in its own way and how did that not push the poor old man completely over the edge? But the point stands— Santa in that episode was placed squarely as a guy in a suit and an ideal of giving.

Holiday headshot! (Credit: South Park Studios)

South Park is a different case altogether because this is a reality where Jesus has a talk show, a constantly reincarnated little boy can give relationship advice to Satan, and all the various religion’s deities are on a superhero team together. Simply put, making Santa Claus real makes sense in their world.

Cheers played with the notion mischievously that the bar patron could be Santa and what if he is, but nope, just kidding. Still, hey, Christmas is kinda nice, Frasier. They danced around it, but they kept their world— and their integrity— intact.

Punky Brewster, however— and many shows like it— went right for the Santa is Real reveal and broke their world thematically. Then next week it’s right back to the status quo where Punky learns to play the piano. As though there isn’t a magical deity lurking just to the north who has the power to sneak into their apartment unseen, supposedly locate artifacts of deadbeat moms, and materialize antique stores out of nothing all because of Holiday Magic. It’s unfair to the show, it’s insulting to intelligent viewers, it ruins the reality irrevocably, and I think it’s incredible that writers do things like that so cavalierly without thinking.

And SoraRabbit’s heart grew 2 sizes that day. (Credit: NBC, LIghtkeeper Productions)

All that aside, I hope I’ve given you some entertainment, some food for thought, and maybe a bit of nostalgia. The SoraRabbit Hole is a place of exploration, and we certainly travelled a long ways today. From Colorado, to Boston, then on to a twisted world where Santa is Real and no one gives a shit about that fact if it’s not Christmastime at the moment. Now go practice the piano Punky and stop all this Santa nonsense. Your mom’s not coming home, she probably has a new family already.

Seriously though, I don’t want any rabid Punky Brewster fans coming at me with torches and pitchforks. This is all in fun. I was able to appreciate the show despite its faults. I’m not a fan, but I liked it for what it was. The SoraRabbit Hole is a place of acceptance and we encourage you to enjoy what you enjoy without judgement.

But still, you gotta admit, that world is flat busted now that Santa is real. Good lord did they destroy her world and possibly her sanity in the process. Poor kid.

Norm does look dapper in that suit. (Credit: Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions)

Thank you for reading this year’s SoraRabbit Hole Christmas Special. As always, I appreciate you all more than I can say. I love writing these so much, and now that I have stumbled onto a formula, you can expect to see another of these installments next year alongside whatever other holiday content I put out. I hope you enjoyed this look back at the time-honored tradition of the special Christmas Episode. Let me know what you thought, and if you have any suggestions for future installments, I would be very happy to take a look at them. Just drop me a line in the comments, or by email, or Twitter, or by Magic Santa Telegram. However you prefer to send your Christmas suggestions.

I leave you with all the wisdom we’ve learned today. Santa is Really Real, but only if you really believe in him with all your heart, or even if you don’t. Unless he’s just some fat old guy with car trouble. Hail Satan.